How do we free ourselves from falling victim to life experiences and relationships? How do we regain control of our lives without blaming 'the other' or 'the event'?
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We play three major roles in our relationship with people - also known as the Drama Triangle. The roles include, the persecutor, the rescuer and the victim. At any given time, we shift and swap roles.
Here's how it might play out: my boss criticises me for something I didn't do well (persecutor), I take this personally and defend myself and my position (victim). My boss continues to point out what I did wrong (persecutor). I become upset and begin to cry (victim).
My boss realises I'm not coping with the feedback and begins to reassure me (rescuer). Now that he has switched roles, I feel I have reclaimed some power and I begin to give him a piece of my mind (persecutor). Now my boss is the victim and begins to defend his position. This cycle can continue on and on.
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How do we intercept this cycle? Instead of taking it personally, see it as feedback. Acknowledge that the feedback may have not been delivered in a fair or pleasant way, but I am ultimately responsible for how I take it on.
I can feedback some of the comments to gain clarification; "So you feel I should have done..."
I can then state my position without being defensive, "I believe I made the best decision at the time when I..."
"I now understand you would like it done differently and I will do my best to meet your requirements."
When we de-personalise the issue and just deal with the facts, we are less likely to take on the victim position and we can also defuse the persecutor at the same time. It becomes a win-win experience.