While we often feel angry or perturbed by bad behaviour, an understanding of what motivates behaviour can help you transform your reactions.

When we have an argument with someone or we feel upset or angry with their behaviour, we judge, make assumptions and react according to our personal values.

But just because they are my values, does it mean they are yours? The simple answer is no.

Our values and beliefs are built over time and through experience.

We store feelings and experiences in our brain as pictures. We are constantly comparing reality to our perception (pictures in our brain/memory).

If there is a mismatch, we behave in order to balance actual reality with our perception of reality. Behaviour is an attempt to get our needs met.

For example, if I don't understand something I am trying to learn (I'm searching to align my reality with the existing pictures in my memory bank), I may react and judge the new information as stupid (a mismatch between new pictures and existing pictures).

My reaction (behaviour) is an attempt to control the situation. I need to feel in control and when I don't understand, it causes pain.

I'm constantly 'behaving' in order to feel in control and to have my needs met (achievement, feeling competent).

We cannot control anyone or anything.

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The only thing we can control, is our reaction to an experience.

If we understand that every reaction we have, is just an attempt to have our needs met, we can begin to become accountable for our lives.

We can be flexible, understanding, patient and calm. We are responsible for our own feelings, our own decisions and our own pleasure.

We can learn to choose effective, responsible behaviours which satisfy our needs and allow us to take control of our lives.