I've been found guilty, on numerous occasions, of driving under the influence of Asian genetics.
Just take one glance at my dinged up car and you'll get a very clear picture of just how bad of a driver I am.
For that reason I was delighted to learn that Griffith was getting its own flight service to Melbourne.
At last, I thought to myself, I'll be able to travel to Melbourne and eat smashed avocado without risking life and limb on the roads for six hours straight.
I was even more delighted when EastWest Airlines asked me to come on board their first flight on July 15.
And so I started packing my bag and preparing a list of Melbourne avoca-dos and avoca-don'ts.
Avoca-do: drink a deconstructed coffee, receive fashion advice from a hipster, eat smashed avo on toast.
Avoca-don't: say anything disparaging about indie music, cyclists, or any opinion espoused by Waleed Aly.
Time passed, by definition, and the day came for me to board the first flight to Melbourne.
I climbed aboard and bid arrivederci to Griffith and, one hour later, buon giorno to Melbourne.
When the plane touched down in Essendon Fields Airport I was given a whirlwind tour of the area by airport marketing manager Nadia Salajic.
I asked Nadia where I could find the coolest, trendiest, beardiest Melbournians.
"Oh, everyone's cool in Melbourne," she assured me.
"Everyone except me, I guess," she added as a sad afterthought.
After the tour I walked out onto the streets of Essendon and saw row upon row of shops and cafes, each one trendier than the last.
I stopped at a cafe and munched on smashed avocado toast while watching the smooth-skinned, moisturised Melbournians float past.
Perhaps this is how the hobbit Frodo Baggins felt when he left The Shire and came upon the fabulous elves of Rivendell, I thought to myself.
The following day I bid farewell to Melbourne and headed to the airport's departure lounge.
It was full of booklets advertising Griffith's attractions to the people of Melbourne: the lush orchards, the clean air, the eye-wateringly delicious Italian cuisine.
As I was flipping through the pages the boarding call was announced, and so I took one last parting glance at Melbourne and boarded the plane.
We took to the air, and I was whisked away from the surreal land of avocado and deliberately torn jeans.
One hour later I found myself back on home soil, back in my city, my Shire, my home, Griffith.
Kenji Sato travelled to Melbourne courtesy of EastWest Airlines, Sharp Airlines, and Essendon Fields Airport.
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