Shock exit as Sophie's Monkey business brings out the animal

Sophie Monk as a unicorn on The Bachelorette Australia. Photo: Supplied

Sophie Monk as a unicorn on The Bachelorette Australia. Photo: Supplied

There's a shock departure on this episode of The Bachelorette Australia, one that we, and most certainly he, did not see coming. But there's lots of fun and games before the (semi-genuine?) heartbreak as the funniest show on television delivers a masterclass on turning idiocy into entertainment.

We open with a discussion of Jarrod's seed, which appears to have been spilled, Onan-like, on barren ground. His potted love plant just won't sprout and he suspects (rightly) foul play.

To rub salt in the wound, he reads out the single date card and it's for that charming, seemingly likeable, not-obviously-psychologically-disturbed, pub-owning multi-millionaire blow-in Stu. Pretender.

"Stu could definitely be a threat," Jarrod says in voiceover. Given the bunch of numbnuts he's up against, I'd say the rest of them ought to just pack their bags and go home now.

Mack is fretting. He and Blake are the only ones who haven't yet had a date, and what with all the other blokes here, "I can't see my opportunity happening". Aww. Poor little sad-sack Mack.

As he waits for Sophie to turn up, Stu reveals their fleeting pre-show history. They met a year ago, he invited her out on his boat, she didn't go. Apparently, he's been fretting ever since.

Going on The Bachelorette was his obvious next move (so much easier than texting or calling). "This may be the biggest gamble of my life," he says. "But I'm here chasing happiness."

Sophie turns up on a boat. A very big boat. Actually, let's call it a small ocean liner. I'll see your boat date, and I'll raise you one.

They have a little getting-to-know-you chat. Turns out they've both got two sisters and a brother. OMG! And they're each the second oldest. Double OMG!

They chat about their working lives, and they have so much in common it's like they're practically the same person.

It's like looking into a mirror: Sophie Monk on her date with Stu Laundry.

It's like looking into a mirror: Sophie Monk on her date with Stu Laundry. Photo: Ten

"I might work for six weeks or two months, and then I have the rest of the year off," says Sophie, patron saint of the underemployed-and-overpaid everywhere.

"I'm very similar," says Stu. "I try and do deals and I have a lot of time in between."

They're just a pair of regular working stiffs, and they are just sooooo made for each other. OMFG!

They see dolphins. The storm clouds are clearing. Could this date be going any better?

There's a golf driving range on the front of the boat. Wait, is this Seinfeld? Is the aim to get the ball into the dolphins' blowholes? No, there's a small target bobbing around in the waves.

They make a wager - he's got five shots at hitting it. The prize? "You get to kiss me," she says. Game on.

Yacht golf: Stu takes a swing at impressing Sophie with his big aim.

Yacht golf: Stu takes a swing at impressing Sophie with his big aim. Photo: Ten

He shoots, he misses. "Ohh, that didn't go in," she mutters disappointedly. She is so clearly into him.

The second shot is long. "Too big," says Stu.

"Better than too small," says Sophie, queen of the double entendre.

The third shot falls short. "Come on," Sophie urges, a hint of desperation in her voice. "Seriously."

Shots four and five miss too. "Let's high-five it anyway," she says.

It's couch time. "I wish I'd asked you out 12 months ago in a better way than I did," Stu confesses. "It would have saved me a lot of heartache, because this is not the way I intended things to happen."

He's come on the show as a blocking move, he admits. "Through this experience, you would have ended up with someone else. I didn't want that to happen."

'I am dead-set in': Stu shoots for the star - in this case Sophie - on The Bachelorette Australia.

'I am dead-set in': Stu shoots for the star - in this case Sophie - on The Bachelorette Australia. Photo: Ten

But his intentions are honourable, he insists. He's serious about this wooing business. "I'm here," he says. "I dead-set am."

She is so smitten that we might as well just fast forward to the final episode and roll the end credits now. Game over, manchilds in the Mansion. Get out of there so these two can set up home and move his kids in and they can convert the Playstation room to a nursery.

"When I met Stu a year ago, I really, really misjudged him," she tells the camera. "I'm so happy that he took the chance and came here."

She gives him a rose, and she gives him a kiss. Violins swell. Then he starts talking, mid-pash.

Shut up and just kiss me: Sophie and Stu got passionate despite his tendency to kiss-talk.

Shut up and just kiss me: Sophie and Stu got passionate despite his tendency to kiss-talk. Photo: Ten

"Can you not talk," she says.

They go again, but just as he's chowing down on a mouthful of Monk, he blurts out: "You look beautiful."

"Oh shit," she says, barely believing it. "You talk through kisses."

Could this be the first male-female relationship ever to founder because the man communicated too much? Sheesh.

After the ad break it's group date night at Chez Soph. "I thought we'd have the perfect night in," she says as she greets her nine remaining boyfriends at the door. "I thought we could make Mexican, play games, and put on some onesies."

The kids table: All for one and onesies for all on The Bachelorette Australia.

The kids table: All for one and onesies for all on The Bachelorette Australia. Photo: Ten

Sophie claims she has more of these all-in-one animal costumes at home than she does shoes. I don't even think she's joking.

She's dressed as a unicorn, which probably means she's a replicant. Blake is an elephant, with a weird trunk-penis on his head, which probably means ??? well, you know what it means. "It suits him," says Jarrod.

Much innuendo was made of Blake's elephant trunk being on his head.

Much innuendo was made of Blake's elephant trunk being on his head. Photo: Ten

Captain Serious heads into the kitchen to prepare dinner with AJ, the pro chef, while everyone else heads outside to drink and chat with Sophie. Once again Cap'n S has opted for duty rather than fun, and soldier boy wants a medal. If only Sophie would notice.

Outside, Sam wheels out his best old-codger voice in impersonation of 44-year-old Stu, and everyone has a right old chuckle. Except Jarrod, who is fuming. "Sophie wants to have an adult conversation," he says. "How can she have an adult conversation with the kids on the couch?"

Can I just say if there is a sillier sight than an angry man in a giraffe onesie I have yet to see it.

One angry giraffe and 200 childish faces: Jarrod continues to fume on The Bachelorette Australia.

One angry giraffe and 200 childish faces: Jarrod continues to fume on The Bachelorette Australia. Photo: Ten

Sophie arrives with a bowl full of questions. Goodie, a parlour game.

First question: who has the biggest crush on Sophie? Crowd-sourced answer: Mack.

Second question: Who is the biggest threat in this competition? Answer: Jarrod, Stu.

Third: Who feels they could have their heart broken? Answer: Everyone.

Fourth question: Who sabotaged Jarrod's pot plant? Answer: Blake. Everyone knows it, Sam says it, but Blake keeps denying it.

I'll piss on your plant again, I mean ... what? Blake puts the blank into blanket denial.

I'll piss on your plant again, I mean ... what? Blake puts the blank into blanket denial. Photo: Ten

"I think these boys are missing the point," says Stu of the spat between the grumpy giraffe and the elephant with a penis on his head. "I just don't think it looks great."

Now here's Sophie with another game: she produces an artefact from the childhood years of each of her suitors. Yay. It's regression therapy time!

James tears up at the sight of his first teddy bear, but can't really say much about it, possibly because he has suddenly reverted to the language skills of a 12-month-old teddy-clutching bub.

Boys do cry: James and his bunny aren't the only softies.

Boys do cry: James and his bunny aren't the only softies. Photo: Ten

James pees on the couch and smears carrot puree in his hair as Jarrod gets his gift - a scrap of his blanky. He's so in touch with his infant side that he'd have plenty to say about blanky if only Blake - who is clearly drunk - didn't keep butting in.

"Just shut up," says Captain Serious. "Just shut up."

The others get photos, drawings, sporting trophies. It's all too much for Jarrod, who tears up and leaves the couch.

"I just need a minute," he says, sobbing. The blanky reminds him of his grandparents, he tells Sophie. "They're gone now. It's sad."

Who is being a giant child? Jarrod needs his blanky after Blake's rebuke.

Who is being a giant child? Jarrod needs his blanky after Blake's rebuke. Photo: Ten

Inside, Luke, the George Clooney look(un)alike, sums it up. "That, what you just saw with Jarrod, is the realest thing out of this whole experience."

Really, thinks Blake, who simply looks baffled by it all. Emotion? Empathy? What are these strange concepts of which you speak?

Finally, it's time for Sophie to have some special time with one of the chaps, and she picks her stalker.

"I am so excited," Mack says to the camera. "Like, really excited. Chuffed. I'm bursting with excitement. This is the moment I've been waiting for."

He's practically hyperventilating. I swear, his leopard onesie is starting to moult with the stress of it all.

On the couch, Mack gushes all over the girl of his dreams. "I'm so chuffed that you asked me to come," he says. Steady Tiger.

I like all of your traits if only I could remember what they were: Mack's schoolyard crush worries Sophie.

I like all of your traits if only I could remember what they were: Mack's schoolyard crush worries Sophie. Photo: Ten

To the camera, he goes on and on about his decade-long crush. She's gorgeous, she's blonde, she's tall, she's "A-class celebrity". She sounds like a poster on his teenage bedroom wall.

Confronted with all this unbridled fanboy creepiness, Sophie looks decidedly freaked out.

"Why do you like me," she asks, and again he gushes all over her.

"Mack gives me so many compliments, it's very flattering," she says to camera. "But it's a bit uncomfortable." Hell, lady, you should try watching it.

"It's hard for me," Mack says, once again over-sharing. "It's hard for me, with your presence and your beauty. I get over-excited."

Does he even know what he's saying? Surely not.

Easy, tiger: Sophie is searching for the stage exit.

Easy, tiger: Sophie is searching for the stage exit. Photo: Ten

Sophie tells the camera it feels "like he won free tickets to get backstage to have a meet-and-greet with me rather than a date".

He gushes some more about her many, many qualities - which basically boil down to "you're beautiful" - and leaves feeling it all went very well indeed, thanks for asking.

It's rose ceremony time, and Osher tells us two are going home. The gushing geezer is so gone.

Jarrod says, "I would die for a rose", and I suspect he might kill for one too.

He gets one, and so does Apollo and even Blake, who has not yet had any alone time with Sophie, and finally it comes down to just three of them: Mack, Sam and Luke.

Two got sent home on The Bachelorette Australia.

Two got sent home on The Bachelorette Australia. Photo: Ten

Mack is clearly gone, but given Sophie had a hot date with Luke Clooney on the beach and Uncle Sam still has a double delight rose up his sleeve, one of these boys is going to feel rather hard done by.

Sam survives.

"This is pretty tough," Luke the George Clooney look(un)alike says to Sophie as he says goodbye. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

"A pleasure, an honour," says Mack, and Sophie unexpectedly ushers him outside, where she tells him she's really sorry.

Fan crush-ing: Sophie walks her biggest fan Mack to the door in a non-romantic gesture.

Fan crush-ing: Sophie walks her biggest fan Mack to the door in a non-romantic gesture. Photo: Ten

The microphone doesn't pick up the rest, but I'm pretty sure it goes something like this:

"I'm sorry Mack but I don't feel that way about you. But my fan club is looking for a new secretary. Interested?"

He gushes tears of joy, and says yes. This has been the best night of his life.

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This story Shock exit as Sophie's Monkey business brings out the animal first appeared on The Sydney Morning Herald.